Homesickness

Homesickness usually hits college students anywhere from 2-4 weeks into the first semester and is a very common adjustment issue. It’s hard to believe that the kid who couldn’t wait to move away from home just a few weeks ago is now calling home a little too much and hinting at feeling homesick. Homesickness is a combination of several emotions that almost all college students feel when they move to campus.  Even though it is an almost universal complaint, most students hate to admit that they are feeling homesick. 

Once the reality of being away from home sinks in, students start to feel anxious and sad, and may reflect this to you in phrases such as “I don’t know if I made the right choice” or “I just don’t like it here. I don’t think I can stay here any longer.” Or “I want to come home.”  Your child may also focus on a seemingly unrelated issue such as a roommate conflict or an issue over which he’s never bothered before; like when your teenaged son who’ll eat anything in sight suddenly can’t find any food he likes on campus. 

You can help your homesick student by offering to listen and suggesting these ways for him to feel more comfortable on campus.

Go with what you know - Enjoying a familiar activity is a great way for students to connect to their new home.  If your child has always been an athlete then intramural or club teams can connect him to others with the same interests.   Students also find comfort in attending meetings of other groups that interest them. Most student clubs have their first meetings during the first weeks of the semester.  This is when the club members regroup from the summer break and recruit new members. Students should watch campus newspapers, social media and campus advertising for news about the time and location of those meetings.

This is normal, be patient - Adjustments are always hard but most 18-year-olds do not have the patience and experience to realize that transitions simply take time. Remind your child that everyone feels homesick and it is a combination of feelings, not just sadness.  It is perfectly normal to feel anxious or worried when starting college.  Freshmen are not just starting at a new school, they have also moved to a new town and are meeting new people. If your child never experienced a move or change of school districts while growing up, this is a completely new experience.

Set and accomplish small goals each day - This can help students feel in control of an unruly situation. Ask him what he thinks he can do to feel more comfortable and help him break down his goals into small, attainable ones.  If your child feels lost on a big campus and can’t remember where buildings are you might suggest that he start by concentrating on where his classroom buildings are. At large colleges, some students will not even set foot into half of the buildings on campus. All he needs to concern to himself with are the buildings he will frequent the most.

Talk it out - Talking about his concerns either with you, an RA, academic advisor, or counselor can help a great deal.  Sometimes students just need to let someone know how they are feeling.  He may think that he is the only one feeling homesick but, after working with college students for decades I can say with all honesty that 99% of students feel homesick at one time or another.

Ask him what he needs - After your child has talked or even whined into the phone for the second straight hour, he’ll run out of steam and this is a good time to ask him. “What do you need?” Sometimes he’s say “nothing”, sometimes, he’ll have a very clear idea of what he needs and sometimes it’s something as simple as you listening. If he doesn’t know, ask him what he thinks he needs or what he thinks might help him feel better. An important part of becoming autonomous is knowing what you need and how to get it.

College students don’t need rescuing, or anyone to fix their problems for them. Doing so will only enforce what your child may already secretly believe, that he can’t take care of himself without your supervision.

Leave him at college - When your child feels homesick it’s tempting to say, “Well, just come home for the weekend.” But, I would avoid offering this as an option. Students need to be steadily engaged with their campus for the first four to six weeks of the semester and going back home on the weekends prevents them from doing this.

Instead of your child returning home, a visit from you for an evening or weekend will give him support, a little break from the usual campus routine, and will let you assess for yourself how he is doing instead of relying on information he gives you at the end of a rough day.  Offer to bring an item he forgot to move from home or offer to take him out for dinner, he will definitely accept the invitation and will probably want to bring a roommate or friend, or three.