The Senior Summer

The Senior Summer

The summer between your child’s senior year of high school and freshman year of college is a carnival ride; exhilarating, scary, and nauseating. You swing wildly between sadness over “losing” your child to college on one day, and then the next day wishing he would just get out of the house! The next few months with test your patience and sense of humor, but throughout these 10 to 12 weeks rest assured that millions of other families have gone through the same rites of passage and have come out relatively unscathed.

“But, he’s driving me absolutely crazy!”

Believe it or not, that’s a very good sign.  In fact, if your college bound-child is not making you crazy and pushing every button you have, I would be concerned because that’s what supposed to happen. If our “near adult” children didn’t drive us to push them out of the house they’d never leave; never strike out on their own, get an education, a job, find a spouse and then we’d never have a shot at grandkids. And, according to all reports, grandkids are awesome!

Putting up with your child’s current mood swings and know-it-all attitude is demanding, and it will take all your will to not alienate him in the final weeks before he leaves, but please be patient with him and yourself and know that this behavior is not only normal, it’s essential for his personal development. You may have to bite your tongue more than you let it fly, but you’re the adult with all the life experience, you’ll manage.

You may assume that since approximately two million freshmen enroll in college each fall that this whole transition would be easy, it’s not. Just like getting married, moving to a new town, buying a home or having a baby, this is a major life change not just for your child, but also for everyone in the family. Yes, younger siblings will have bizarre mood swings right along with you and your college bound child. Even the family dog will wonder why everyone is so tense and may wander in confused circles for a least a while.

While you could easily succumb to the malaise that an impending bittersweet departures always bring about, I suggest that you take some time to plan a course of action that will help you and your child over the next few months and well into the academic year. This summer is a good time to catch up on some basic survival skills with your child, and make sure that if your daughter has never changed a tire, she learns how, and if your son still hasn’t grasped the basics of wash, dry, and fold, he also learns that skill.  A lot of people ask me why its so important that college students learn such basic skills like these, after all, in any given college town there are roadside assistance services and laundry services widely available for a small fee.

While I agree that is true, learning these skills isn’t really about changing tires and doing laundry. Although it will save thousands of dollars in the long run, it’s impossible to put a dollar figure on self-reliance. If young people don’t learn that they really can do these things for themselves, they will simply assume that they can’t and will always be at the mercy of those who can. Once students start taking care of small tasks for themselves, they soon learn that there are a lot of things worth trying just to be able to say. “Yes, I can do that!”

Financial Issues

Living expenses on a college campus can range from cheap to way too darn much. Some parents will call me in a panic after receiving the first bill and explain that it is much more than they expected. Upon further discussion and examination it is usually due to the student’s choice, or last minute change, in residence hall and/or meal plan.

My campus is a good example of how this can happen. Students can choose anything from a $394.00 per month traditional hall to a $700.00 per month furnished apartment complete with washer, dryer and a full kitchen. The additional $2754.00 per year is obviously going to be noticed and cut deeply into savings or your budget. 

Before your child sets foot on campus, be completely honest with him about what you can afford and if he wants more than what you can provide he will have to earn the money for the more expensive housing himself. It won’t take him long to discover that the suite or apartment may be newer and more spacious, but not worth the additional 15 hours he has to work each week to afford it.  

Explain that the money you saved for his education, your retirement or the mortgage you paid on your home for the past twenty years did not magically appear overnight, but was accumulated over many years through planning, sacrifice, and steady saving. College students know this truth, but when you have lived a mere 18 years and only remember about 14 of those years, you don’t have the necessary life experience to fully understand the concept of delayed gratification.

* Some responsibilities and expenses will fall into parents’ laps for many years to come, even beyond graduation. Some people see this as an over-extension of adolescence, but there are practical reasons for parents to do these things. First and foremost, it’s cheaper. Even though your child is an adult, it is usually more cost effective to buy his health insurance for him through your employer if it is offered, and to include him on your cell phone family plan (our family plan currently covers three generations and six devices!)

Tips for First Generation College Parents

·      Get to know the college campus and the town in which it is located

·      Join the college’s parents association

·      Believe in your child even when it seems he doesn’t believe in himself

·      Encourage your child to seek out a student group or mentor program for first generation students

·      Understand that your child may not be able to attend family functions like he used to

·      Encourage other family members and younger siblings to join your child on campus

·      After a while your child will consider campus to be his home, this is normal for most students and doesn’t mean that he’s abandoning you

·      College students may change in appearance or in the language they use, but deep down they are still the same person you raised with the same personality and values

First Generation Students

Each college will have it’s own definition of a first generation student, but usually, If your child is the first in your family to attend college they are considered “first generation”. Some campuses even extend this title to students whose parents or other family members attended college, but did not graduate. Whatever the definition, first generation college students universally experience stress, a feeling of being an outsider on campus, and the burden of being the trailblazer for their entire family.

For first generation parents it’s important not to be intimidated by college, and the best way to do this is to learn as much as you can about your child’s college and where he can go for help if he needs it. Almost all colleges have handbooks for students and many have parent handbooks as well. Find copies of these books, read them thoroughly, and keep them handy. College websites are also wonderful resources for first generation parents.

For most students, having a parent or family member take an interest in their education and being willing to listen and find out more about their college is half the battle. First generation parents don’t have to know all, or any, of the answers to their child’s questions they just have to know how to help find the answers. The first step in this process is having your child clarify the question. You may think that asking him more questions is the last thing he needs now, but it’s the best way to pinpoint the potential problem and start working on a solution.

Keep in mind that as your child is learning, this is also a great learning experience for you too. Take advantage of programs on campus or parent networks that can help ease these transitions for you and your child. 

"We ended up arguing on Family Weekend!"

If you did, you’re not alone. Like move-in day, Family Weekends are often heavily laden with high and unrealistic expectations on both sides. Your child really does want to see you, but he probably also wants to hang out with friends over the weekend too. He may have high hopes that you’ll take him to the local Wal-mart or Target to stock up on what he considers necessities and you consider junk. Communicating about expectations before the weekend is essential to avoid disappointment.

About a week before you arrive for the weekend, confirm where and when you will arrive and discuss where and when you would like to spend time with your child. You may both decided that it will make more sense for you to meet for dinner on Friday night, attend the Friday night concert and then skip the Saturday morning events and see each other a couple of hours before the game. You may also decide that you don’t want to try to sit with your child at the game, but that your younger child will join him in the student section of the stadium. Maybe your child has started attending a campus church service on Sunday mornings and wants you to join him for that before you visit his favorite campus haunts. 

Whatever you decide to do, talk it over first and nail down some specifics, but also be flexible when you arrive on campus. Remember, you’re there to see your child and get a feeling for how he’s doing and what his life is like in his new home, a set schedule is nice, but not necessary.