The Senior Summer

The Senior Summer

The summer between your child’s senior year of high school and freshman year of college is a carnival ride; exhilarating, scary, and nauseating. You swing wildly between sadness over “losing” your child to college on one day, and then the next day wishing he would just get out of the house! The next few months with test your patience and sense of humor, but throughout these 10 to 12 weeks rest assured that millions of other families have gone through the same rites of passage and have come out relatively unscathed.

“But, he’s driving me absolutely crazy!”

Believe it or not, that’s a very good sign.  In fact, if your college bound-child is not making you crazy and pushing every button you have, I would be concerned because that’s what supposed to happen. If our “near adult” children didn’t drive us to push them out of the house they’d never leave; never strike out on their own, get an education, a job, find a spouse and then we’d never have a shot at grandkids. And, according to all reports, grandkids are awesome!

Putting up with your child’s current mood swings and know-it-all attitude is demanding, and it will take all your will to not alienate him in the final weeks before he leaves, but please be patient with him and yourself and know that this behavior is not only normal, it’s essential for his personal development. You may have to bite your tongue more than you let it fly, but you’re the adult with all the life experience, you’ll manage.

You may assume that since approximately two million freshmen enroll in college each fall that this whole transition would be easy, it’s not. Just like getting married, moving to a new town, buying a home or having a baby, this is a major life change not just for your child, but also for everyone in the family. Yes, younger siblings will have bizarre mood swings right along with you and your college bound child. Even the family dog will wonder why everyone is so tense and may wander in confused circles for a least a while.

While you could easily succumb to the malaise that an impending bittersweet departures always bring about, I suggest that you take some time to plan a course of action that will help you and your child over the next few months and well into the academic year. This summer is a good time to catch up on some basic survival skills with your child, and make sure that if your daughter has never changed a tire, she learns how, and if your son still hasn’t grasped the basics of wash, dry, and fold, he also learns that skill.  A lot of people ask me why its so important that college students learn such basic skills like these, after all, in any given college town there are roadside assistance services and laundry services widely available for a small fee.

While I agree that is true, learning these skills isn’t really about changing tires and doing laundry. Although it will save thousands of dollars in the long run, it’s impossible to put a dollar figure on self-reliance. If young people don’t learn that they really can do these things for themselves, they will simply assume that they can’t and will always be at the mercy of those who can. Once students start taking care of small tasks for themselves, they soon learn that there are a lot of things worth trying just to be able to say. “Yes, I can do that!”

What to Expect This Thanksgiving Break

Thanksgiving break may very well be the first time your child will come home this semester and there are some universal experiences that all college parents face when their child returns home from college for the first time.

1. Most students will sleep a lot when they get home.  Not only are they tired from traveling, but they are probably mentally exhausted from being “on” all semester. The first semester of college is mentally, emotionally, and physically draining, so let them sleep.

2. Once your child arises from a 10 hour nap, he will probably want to eat and see his hometown friends. This can be painful for parents since you’ve been waiting for months to see your child, but all he wants to do is go out with other people. You can approach this from two angles; you can insist that he stay at home for the first evening and see his friends later, or you can let him go out with his buddies and plan to see him during the rest of the break. There’s no correct way to handle this, but the one thing that is essential is communication. Express your expectations for “family time” before he returns so everyone knows what to expect.

3. Go ahead and coddle during the break. While it’s crucial that students learn to care entirely for themselves while they’re at college, when your child is home for break a little spoiling won’t hurt. If you want to make a big breakfast, do it. If you want to do all her laundry, go for it, but don’t do these things out of a sense of guilt or duty. Just do them from a position of love and caring, and by all means expect a “thank you” from your child!

4. Thanksgiving break is too short. By the time your child sleeps for a day, visits with friends for another, helps out with a few household or yard chores, then sleeps away another day, the break is over and he’s gone again. Rest assured that even though this visit is way too short, you’ve probably had just enough time together. A four to six week winter break will arrive within about three weeks and for some families, that gets a little too long!

First Generation Students

Each college will have it’s own definition of a first generation student, but usually, If your child is the first in your family to attend college they are considered “first generation”. Some campuses even extend this title to students whose parents or other family members attended college, but did not graduate. Whatever the definition, first generation college students universally experience stress, a feeling of being an outsider on campus, and the burden of being the trailblazer for their entire family.

For first generation parents it’s important not to be intimidated by college, and the best way to do this is to learn as much as you can about your child’s college and where he can go for help if he needs it. Almost all colleges have handbooks for students and many have parent handbooks as well. Find copies of these books, read them thoroughly, and keep them handy. College websites are also wonderful resources for first generation parents.

For most students, having a parent or family member take an interest in their education and being willing to listen and find out more about their college is half the battle. First generation parents don’t have to know all, or any, of the answers to their child’s questions they just have to know how to help find the answers. The first step in this process is having your child clarify the question. You may think that asking him more questions is the last thing he needs now, but it’s the best way to pinpoint the potential problem and start working on a solution.

Keep in mind that as your child is learning, this is also a great learning experience for you too. Take advantage of programs on campus or parent networks that can help ease these transitions for you and your child. 

Visits Home

Visits home

Just like Family Weekends and other visits to campus, you will probably put a lot of stock into your child’s occasional visits home. Unless he is living at home and commuting to college, you probably won’t see him too often, and that’s probably what you both expected and wanted. Not that you don’t want to see him, you just know that for him to develop into an independent adult, he needs to start being less reliant on you and the familiarity of home, and more reliant on himself in his own place. Even so, there will be times when your child visits home for a weekend or longer.

These visits are a great time to catch up with your child on some academic or financial issues and plans for the future, but before you jump into discussing next semester’s class schedule or summer job plans give him a little time to settle in. “Settling in” can mean different things to different people. Some students will come home and immediately have a snack and go to bed for the rest of the day. Some will simply drop their bags in their room and head out to visit old hometown friends. Unless you and your child have specifically set a date to discuss these issues, I suggest leaving them alone for about a day before you even think about having a meaningful conversation about anything. 

Curfews during visits home

Some parents insist on their child resetting to the same house rules they had before they left for college while others swing in the opposite direction and give their child carte blanche. In all actuality, your child probably expects to have at least some house rules reinstated when he returns home, but as is the case with everything, flexibility is key

You may extend his curfew or let him slack on the chores as long as he’s willing to negotiate with you. Maybe you both agree to extend his curfew as long as he checks in on the hour, from midnight until 2:00am. With everyone carrying cell phones complete with alert functions on the calendar, he should be able to do this without a problem. Let him know that you aren’t asking him to do this because you don’t trust him, just let him know that you honestly can’t sleep until you know he’s home safe and you really don’t want to stay up until 3:00am. Remind him that adults respect their family members’ needs and are willing to compromise their own desires to help out others.

* For every college student there comes a point when he considers college to be “home.” This is usually discovered by accident when he leaves your home after a visit and says something like. “I have to get home before 8:00.” And you think to yourself. “But, you are home.” When this happens you can shed a quiet tear, but also breathe a sigh of relief knowing that he has found a college that he feels comfortable enough to call  “home”.